I started this project about a year ago, after I had put on a good 35-40 lbs from the previous year. Two years later, I am beginning to lose the weight again, and felt compelled to share my story, as I know I am not the only one who struggles with weight. Here is a little of my story, and how to got to this place. Most of the topics in the following posts will be personal observations, and my work arounds, and inspirations that follow.
Losing the weight to begin with is a lot of hard work, and I am sad to say, I don't know when lose a bunch of weight, as I still feel blobby in my body, after having a child. Long story short, after moving to Boulder, breaking of an engagement, and finding myself a single mother again, living on CU's Boulder Campus at 32, surrounded by other single mothers working on their PhD's, tall thin, short and fit, many were married, EVERY photo I saw of myself with these fun, talented brilliant and beautiful people, reminded me of a swollen, Kewpie Doll/Cabbage Patch Doll version of myself.
All of a sudden, I reconnected with a friend who more or less, drove me to the gym, scolded me when I ate to much, and drank half my beers, so I didn't, etc. Yep, I lost almost 40 pounds in about 1.5 years. Now to do this, was a bit fantastical and I felt very supported. I biked everywhere, got massage and acupuncture regularly, discovered Network Spinal Awakening, and Somatic Therapy that helped relieve trauma in my spine, and all the negative emotions held there, forcing me to face deeply rooted insecurities and fears. Then my little brother died. He was the only family member, that I really felt connected too. He was married and had just had his 3rd child, when he passed away at 26 years old. My fancy road bike, I called Charlie, that I had ridden and spun at least 20 pounds off over that year, was stolen from a secure Park & Ride. My world began to come apart. Things that I loved where literally stolen from me, and my heart ached with grief and loss. I was over committed at CU Boulder, had begun a massage program that was teaching me more about my essential being, than any other school had, but I was rapidly losing my financial security and carving my debt valley like a raging river floods. I left CU, dropped out of my classes, began to travel and could barely show up to the Healing Spirits Massage Training program's, 5 days a month curriculum. I had lost the weight I had gained being in an unhealthy relationship, but found myself struggling to make the progress I wanted, in my world. Even though my son was doing OK, I felt his struggles as well.
We persevered, and a couple months later, I was finding my stride again, biking and volunteering at a farm, house-sitting in the mountains, working a fun little temporary job for a software company, and preparing to spend my summer in Charleston, SC doing more house-sitting for a friend's friend at the end of James Island. With my son on his summer visit with his father, I was free to enjoy summer 2013 with my best friend, and the charming south! While I was able to keep up some of my daily exercise regiment, my anxiety came back, and food became a bit of comfort filler. After having some stressful house-guests visit, I thought dating would be fun, and I went on a lunch date, was roofied and raped. I put the almost 35 pounds I had lost the following two years back on in the following two months. My son and I came back to Boulder, CO ended up living with a friend, and trying to find permanent housing during the flood aftermath. I am mentioning the series of traumatic life events, because these events matter. How I dealt with them matters, and my health, both mental and physical matters. We all have levels of stressors in our lives, and the willingness to share, going towards the uncomfortable, however uncomfortable, brings love and compassion towards the self. I find that for me, this willingness to face my own hurts, begins the real healing, alleviating using food as tool for comfort, melting away my need for depressive self-loathing episodes engrossed in destructive behaviors, and helps me to achieve the highest form of myself, and live my life, in happier, more fulfilling ways.
My son and I, ended up in a Co-op, where I have been blessed to grow, and heal over the past 2 years. I have noticed my own patterns and insecurities, and where I seek out co-dependent relationships, as well as the divine nature, and helpfulness, of a good Psycho-Therapist. This blog is definitely a form of therapy for me, and I hope woman find some form of comfort knowing they are not ALONE in the struggle for health, on all levels.