I want to preface that I love going to the Doctor’s office, the Dentist’s Office and the Orthodontists. Oral surgeon, not so much. I recently went to my local Physician Assistant for my annual visit, and was shocked by her words. Yes, I am 186 pounds at a mere 5’2”. Yes, you have checked my thyroid and it is fine. Yes, my liver is functioning and my cholesterol is in check. Yes, my heart is ok, and my blood pressure and heart rate are normal. Yes, I exercise regularly. Yes, I eat organic veggies, and have a “Clean Diet.” Yes, I am OBESE. That word, OBESE is really a jarring word. I have belly fat, fact. I have extra pounds on my body and I constantly feel like the Michelin Man, or a female version of the State Puff Marshmallow Man. I feel the effects of not working out 2 hours a day, and have struggled with my weight for soo long, that it probably causes more stress and raises my cortisol levels, causing more belly fat.
I do live in the FLIGHT mode most of my life, as I am raising my 14 year old son, and have raised him, for most of his life with no financial or support from his father. This IS stressful too. In my 20’s parenting felt automatic, as did my excitement for exercise, especially as I approached 30. Then a bad relationship, build the extra pounds, as I over ate and drank too much beer to comfort myself after moving my small family of 2 over a thousand miles away from the network of friends and family. In my early 30’s I found my stride again, and by eating nutrient dense food and daily exercise I lost about 40 pounds. I have since gained back over 2 years those pounds and I have yet to find my stride again. Losing weight feels like a brainteaser, as the simple tools that used to be so helpful, make me feel like I need to upgrade to full-on power tools, battery powered, plugged in and air-compressed.
Without losing faith in myself or myself, this seems to be the single hardest struggle in my fight to regain my “FIT LOOKING” body back. It is a mind training that I have lost. There is a psychology about this disconnect, between what I know I must to do lose weight, and what I am actually willing to wake up everyday and do. A TOTAL Disconnect.
When did this happen? Was it when I physically turned 30? Was it when I watched all my single mom friends, and girlfriends who ran and are tall and already thin..., find new husbands? Was it a decision that my EGO made with my psyche in a war to turn my strong warrior like feminine body into a blobby, fat sagging, cellulite filled Old Maid? Have I simply become LAZY? Because when the doctor says, “You are Obese”, the later are what it feels like she is saying. OBESE OBESE OBESE! YOU LAZY woman you! If your thyroid is fine, you must be lying about what you eat and how much you exercise. LIAR LIAR LIAR, you are a LAZY LIAR! This is what I am hearing.
I know that I am projecting, and that these were not her words. Her words were simply, “You are obese.” Which was said to me while she was feeling my abdomen. Which is true, by all current medical standards. Which is true when I look in the mirror at the hanging fat on my mid-stomach and lower abdomen, just above my beautiful vagina. Which is true when a handsome man overlooks me, and only talks to the woman around me, and TOTALLY ignores or interrupts any attempt I have at entering the conversation. Which is true when the ladies my age (37) are either married or dating on the Friday nights I fill with various fun with my co-op mates, or other friends. Which is true when am having dinner with my coupled up friends, or at a show, and I am the only single friend at the table or in the group, aka the sympathy invite.
Why? Well everyone knows that Aryl is lazy, and cannot get her shit together, to LOOK more attractive, to BE more attractive. When I read articles about great woman, and their list of accomplishments starts off as "Wife", I am enraged. That one word is what it is all about right? WIFE. Women spend thousands of dollars to look good to get a HUSBAND when they are young and in their 30s. Waxing, lazer, tummy tucks, boob inplants, breast augmentations, butt implants, etc... WIFE is insulting to those who are not WIFE. So when I go to the western doctor in an honest attempt to understand my 37 year old obesity, her telling me that I am not so big to get my stomach stapled, (WHAT? That answer came out of no where), and that she didn't have anymore time to talk, that I would have to come back.... My answer was ... "Cannot you refer me to an endocrinologist to verify my Cortisol levels?" Her answer was not now, make another appointment. In essence, I should just give up now and Nun it! Now, these are a bit of gross exaggerations, but this is how my OBESENESS feels to me. Lonely.
Fact is, I am stronger than most men. My son calls me “Macho Mom”, and I am still stronger than him. I am healthy on the inside, and on the INSIDE. I am aware of when self-doubt comes in and I am as equally aware when others project their deepest fears upon me. Yes, I am a chubby version of the St. Pauli girl, YES, I am. My breasts also weigh 10 pounds EACH! (So, 20 of my 186 lbs, is OH, wait, BOOB!) That puts me at, roughly 166 lbs, which is still obese. Mind you, my swimming mile in a pool is still 43 min, I run just under a 10 min mile (jogging) and I breathe better at altitude. Fat is painfully present, but I still feel like a unique gift to the world, as you should as well.